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Bizarro Trump 2

August 8, 2015

“And what’s with this enhanced interrogation program? You know…the torture thing. You think filling someone’s anus with hummus provides intelligence? No, that’s someone fulfilling their potty training issues from childhood, is what that is. There’s some psychology for you. And free of charge. You’re welcome.

“Central Intelligence Agency? Extremely Stupid Agency.

“Our idea of winning the War on Terror is to blow the brains out of some poor schmuck who’s walking down the street in Bagdad from a distance. How do I know that? Because they made a movie about it.

“Yeah. Let’s show the world how America shoots foot soldiers but coddles the money and power behind terrorism. Brilliant! All these people should go back to doing what they used to do.

“Bruce Berman should go back to doing the Happy Feet. We like the Happy Feet. Kinda gay, but uplifting. And the kids seem to like it.

“Or the Ocean’s Fourteen. That’d be good.

“And Clint Eastwood. Does a guy who talks to himself on live television really need to be directing movies? Go back to what you do best, Clint. The Dirty Harry shooting the minorities. Those’ll be a big hit in Texas.

“And the Westerns. We like the Westerns. If I need you to wreck my bid for President, I’ll have my people call your people.

“We’ve got so many kooks running the show. These scientists…looking for complicated ways…you know the American Psychiatric Association. ‘Do no harm.’ Simple. Should be a slogan. Is a slogan.

“But these jackasses went ahead and made America look stupid because the CIA paid them to. Sold out. Sold out America.

“And the FBI. What’s up with that? They wind up surrounding suspects…sometimes handcuffing suspects…and the suspects still get shot? What, are they the X-Men? These guys got superpowers and the government is keeping it secret?

“We’re just so bleeding stupid. Aren’t we?

“And the TSA. You think its healthy to get your nether-regions x-rayed every time you fly? Just before going up into the atmosphere where radiation is stronger? Take my advice: get your own private jet. That’s what I do. That’s the Trump way. No waiting and no grope-y people at the airport trying to get a piece of the Donald so they can tell their loser friends about it.

“And the mass surveillance nonsense. You think I want to spend my time listening to your phonecalls about what your aunt was wearing to the barbecue? Who your supervisor is sleeping with this week? Or any of that crap? Do what you want. These spooks who do this stuff really need to get a life. What kind of coward spends his life reading other peoples’ emails, anyway? Their parents should have beaten them daily obviously, until they said that wanted to get a real job.”

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From → Gonzo, Short Story

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