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Titanically Oblivious

March 1, 2012


“Is this thing on? Ah. Thank you. Good, good.

“Yes. Good morning. This is your Captain speaking. First, I would like to apologize for calling myself ‘captain.’ From now on I will refer to myself as Arbitrarily-Chosen-Personage-Who-Facilitates-the-Running-of-the-Ship. As Arbitrarily-Chosen-Personage-Who-Facilitates-the-Running-of-the-Ship, my first action will be, after apologizing for using the previous title which is not to be so much as mentioned again because it is offensive, is to apologize for the offensive nature of the title, which I, as Arbitrarily-Chosen-Personage-Who-Facilitates-the-Running-of-the-Ship will not mention because it gives offense.

“Moving on.

“Some passengers have contacted the bridge with concerns over last evening’s ‘vibratory event’. It seems that some people found the sudden ceasing of motion of the ship unsettling. Further, the momentum of various objects, sliding about, falling down, tipping over, flying the f*** across the room, et cetera, et cetera, onboard likewise disturbing.

“Let me assure you that we are calling this vibratory event a…”

The Arbitrarily-Chosen-Personage-Who-Facilitates-the-Running-of-the-Ship shuffled through some paper in search of the term.

“Ah, yes. ‘An unscheduled surprise docking.’ Be comforted in that by referring to the vibratory event as an unscheduled surprise docking, that there is clearly no reason to be alarmed. It was just an unscheduled surprise docking!

“The fact that the unscheduled surprise docking was, as should be obvious, unscheduled, does not make it a ‘collision’ in any way, shape, or form. That the ship is also the subject of ‘necessarily-postponed maintenance’ as a result of the unscheduled surprise docking is really nothing to be concerned about. As Arbitrarily-Chosen-Personage-Who-Facilitates-the-Running-of-the-Ship I am telling you that is the case and that the maintenance is merely being postponed…indefinitely.

“Er…I hope that didn’t offend anyone.

“Further, there have been passengers concerned over what would appear to be water coming closer to the portholes in their cabins.

“There are a few things to discuss with regards to this ‘bonus ocean viewing.’ First, if passengers are still within their cabins, it is the…urging is too strong a word for some and I certainly don’t mean to be paternal nor authoritarian as the Arbitrarily-Chosen-Personage-Who-Facilitates-the-Running-of-the-Ship…

“Um. It is my suggestion as Arbitrarily-Chosen-Personage-Who-Facilitates-the-Running-of-the-Ship that passengers still within their cabins go up on deck in order to…to…

“Ah! Enjoy ‘ad hoc boating and swimming exercises’.

“As Arbitrarily-Chosen-Personage-Who-Facilitates-the-Running-of-the-Ship it has been brought to my attention that some have suggested that the concept known as ‘women and children first’ is misogynist and ageist. Alternately, ‘every man for himself’ is misogynist as well. Therefore… I leave it up to the majority, or the most vocal minority in the case that the majority is found to be misogynist, sexist, ageist, racist, or indulging in isms of any kind, to decide who should live and who should…

“Sorry? What’s that?

“Ah. I see.

“Passengers who fail to partake successfully in the ad hoc boating and swimming exercises should take comfort in the fact that they are not dying. No. Don’t be silly.

“They are merely either: seeking new existential opportunities, making room for newcomers to planet earth, benefitting and strengthening the ecosystem while learning more about various species of shark, or contributing to science by partaking in aquatic suspended animation experiments in subzero temperatures.

“As Arbitrarily-Chosen-Personage-Who-Facilitates-the-Running-of-the-Ship I deem it so. Just so long as that Is not offensive.

“Thank you and God…or whatever or nothing at all…bless, protect or neither…you.

“Oh. Wait. There’s more. Using the word ‘personage’ is sexist it seems due to the presence of the word ‘son’ within it. Therefore I will from now on be known as Arbitrarily-Chosen-Human-Who-Facili…

“Speciesist? What about ‘creature’? Ah, implies existence of God, yes. Hm…

“I will henceforth be without a title and will in fact be joining you shortly on deck and will resume suggestions for the day via non-verbal communication. Since I am no longer the-title-that-cannot-be-uttered, there’s no reason to go down with the ship, now is there?

“F*** it. I’m relieved of all responsibility! Where’s my gun?”

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