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This Is

February 21, 2012

Johansen scratched his balls and looked to Schmidt. It had to be nearly 8 a.m. When were the damn announcements going to come over the loudspeakers so he and Schmidt could go get some sleep?

It had been as most nights had been. There had not been any group of people attempting to storm their community. There had not been any invasion to repel. They had remained alert as always, but it was a little disappointing when there was nothing to shoot at.

Captain Braun approached the front gate where they kept their watch. The pair of young soldaten sprang to attention.

“Goot. Privat Johansen!”

“Ya wohl, mein officieren!”

“What are we to be ever vigilant against?”

“FBI, mein officieren!”


“ATF, mein herr!”

“What else?”

Braun glanced quickly between the two, amused. They dared shoot a glance at each other wondering what answer he was looking for.

They answered simultaneously, “Uhh…gypsy intellectuals?” and “Gay Muslim terrorists!”


With that, Braun smiled, clicked his heels, and walked away. They had no idea which answer he was pleased with. Probably, it was both.

Johansen–or ‘Jones’, the name he had been born with–looked to Schmidt/Smith and shrugged. He then relaxed when he heard the sound of the microphone clicking over the loudspeakers and the minister of information, a slight, middle-aged man originally named Farmer whom they instead referred to as Overleader Bauer, clear his throat. Bauer was preparing to make the announcements detailing what the agenda for the day would be for the community. Bauer was sitting at his desk, reading from his script that he and the Commandant prepared the night before.

Guten morgen. Today, we have many special events. Attendence as always is mandatory for those participating. We will be welcoming Billy Austin into manhood after the traditional cermony and associated mandatory drinking of the man-juice in order to make him ein mann! After which he will be known as Wolfgang Austerlitz! You will address him in such a manner after the cermony and the mandatory swallowing of the man-essence!

“After the welcoming of Wolfgang into manhood, the Commandant…”

There was the traditional sound effect whenever the leader of the community was mentioned. It was a recording of trumpets doing a fanfare from some movie.

“…will gather the men together. Clothing ist not to be worn! The Commandant…”

The fanfare again.

“…will be doing his surprise check of your bungholez. He will be looking for evidence of homozexual activities. Anyone found with a bunghole zhat is nicht uber-tight or anyone with evidence of zantorum or zantorum rezidue will be brought to the Commandant’s…”

The fanfare.

“…private workout facility for disicpline at midnight. Shower well, mein liebchen, shower well.

Naturlich, the children must be gathered to watch the inspections so that they can know the evils of homozexual activities and how to inspect each other. The children may wear clothing.

Spater the inspection and welcoming of Wolfgang Austerlitz into mannlichheit, there will be the weekly humbling of the women-folk. All men participating in the anal inspections will be permitted to deride and insult the ladies for no less than fifteen minutes, no more than ein-halb hour. This is to remind everyone that men are the dominant species…

“All will participate!!!

“After this, there will be the ladies’ bake sale.

“Then, there will be the Commandant’s…”


“…torture instruction. This is so you will be able to resist the Federal government’s desire to turn you into United Nations-loving poofters!!!

“Wear clothing that can be easily removed.

“Finally, there will be a campfire and the Commandant…”


“…will be discussing the Commandant’s…”


“…life when the Commandant…”

And again.

“…was a boy. Copies of liberal news magazines liberated from garbage in nearby townships will be used for the bonfire. Also, we have a few Lady Gaga CDs that escaped last week’s burnings.

“It is going to be ein glorious day in Neue Sparta! Look lively! Zhere is much to do!

“Remember, freedom does not exist so that you can do whatever you want; freedom exists so that you will do what you should.”

“So do what you are told!!! Zhat is all!”

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