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One Up

November 13, 2011

“Welcome back to the tenth of the seemingly unending Republican debates. We’re here in the Bank of America Historical Commemorative Patriotic Hall, live!

“For those just tuning in, tonight’s debate is about the War of—eh, War on Terror. We’re just about to begin a new question, one from an audience member. Morris, please read your question.”

The subheadings displayed Morris H. — Mobile. The man was clearly working class, possibly a farmer, truck driver or auto mechanic.

“Yessir. I don’t like my neighbor none. Don’t like the looks ahvim. I thank he might be a Muslim or a gay, maybe a socialist, too! As Prezdint, what will you do with people like that?”

“Mr. Romney?”

“Well, first he’d be taken in by Department of Homeland Security for questioning. If we didn’t find him willing to supply the information we wanted, then he’d be waterboarded until he says what we want to hear.”

“Mr. Perry?”

“Clearly, my opponent does not love America as much as I do. I would have his children tortured in front of him. That’d make him talk.”

“Tortured how, Governor?”

“Well, I would cut off three things. Their genitalia, their fingers, and…um…”

“Ms. Bachman?”

“Clearly neither of these gentlemen have really thought this through prior to Morris posing the very important question—thank you, Morris! If you just toture his children in front of him, he can simply close his eyes.

“What’s necessary is first cutting off his eyelids so he cannot close his eyes to avoid the horrific scene that we, as God’s chosen representatives, painted before him to remind him to stay out of the Free Market, stop thinking about sucking cock, or reading the Koran, or whichever other unforgivable sin it is that God has told us to punish in this manner so that people can know His Love.”

“Mr. Cain?”

“I’d do all of that plus dig up any dead relatives so he can gaze on their corpses as a reminder of what’s gonna happen to him—especially if we decide that he’s a socialist! However, we must not be without mercy. I would console his wife…”

“Mr. Paul?”

“Why are we wasting all these tax dollars? Just ship ’em off, already. Africa or some fag place like that!”

“Mr. Gingrich?”

There was a brief pause.

“F***!!! Why did I have to be last?!?”

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